From Dust Till Dawn! Part 1….

What can i say…simply unbelivables…my life got another brand new kinda experience….

Around 6 am…still wondering in my own fairy tale with Chow-Kung the dreamland owner….P, I got awaken by the door bell…

Not even wearing my specticles, rushing to open the door to see who da hell..”Corp? CID…., could u open the door? Huh?’ “Alright, can I go get my specticles first…?”

Door openend, 6-8 ppl rushing in, showing me doc/pass or whatsoever, saying they need to do this or what? What da hell?’….

Well, the nightmare begins….

Soul-searching

Forgot when I got myself this buzz word learnt, kinda like in senior high before go studing in u….

Lately, I keep doing this big buzz…

Why? Lots of why? Even I myself can’t really un why I keep doing something I simply hate and not good at….why the hell I am pushing myself that much…

I am not good at detail…that’s why long long time I go I invented the word of rough art, on the very contrary to the notion of fine art…

I don’t like nitty gritty…, for I think that’s not meaningful to the overall, to the biggest pic….

I don’t like unrespectful manner, that’s why I seldom inch ppl, my reflext in social life remain as trained at home – to be reflect-like polite or so…in anycase, I respect ppl as much as I can, and I hate ppl not doing that to me too…

I know ppl should choose their battefield right, for then they can perform well and actually win over the battle…

I know I need to train myself, not to be that stylish and to take more nos and dislike…but would that be too many already?

I sense that something not right, biggies not like me, no ways and rooms for discussion, having no support the shitty w-life must be tough and uneasy…

Yet, uneasy or not easy, but might not as that difficult?

Fear, must be fear of lost, fear of no possession of a ‘normal life’? The more I searched, the more I fear, I don’t know why I can be up to….

Going is so easy, further on is tough, but why further it on still, when u realise something that already got u very unhappy?

Really? I feel better a bit, yet, the hurdle seems higher and stronger….

Change? I am forcing myself to change? But the idea of giving in and letting it go comes out every seconds when I was battaling with the stupid excel….

I am not good at that, why I still need insist? I don’t know…

Dee’s saying is…to be practical, you need a life, u need to have a basic support?

 Yes, I can’t let partent go, I need to take care of them? But will I ?

Tactically, if really not good, before I need to make a 1 big mth notice, I should fly away….

Why still in?….

Life Bump

Suddenly come up this term, yes yes, I like big words…yet small brain big words always gives you shit!

I meet my life bump again!

Again…bumping with another shit hole.  Supposedly, I got two balls on hand but finally, I got none. Well not total lost, at least am still hanging on with one, but one already gave me quite on a no-smile, no-lunch, no-balls, no-fun and many -ves….Strangely, I can still hang it on….

Why? I see a bigger bumps ahead if I let myself go.

Yet, I’ve just realized another little devil trapassing over the line…(catalyst for me to give in??)

So can I?

Crashing Balls

I am feeling so disturbed, amongst the noise of a normal office social chat about gossip and daily news…but, my heart and soul is so twisted about..my sense of failiure,  I feel I don’t belong to hereI feel I barely able to write and type…after validly criticised by my superior…page by pageword by wordconcept by conceptwhether I know, aware of this and that my body is shakingmy  hand is shivering… I try to clam downtry to covince myself about the necessity to stay into deal with the problemto learn from ground zerobut I think chance won’t be givenI can’t further on?Can I change my nature

I have been working for, well, a doz?

All of my works, are all ….not detail oriented…, no specific industry orientedCan I change? Can I deal with it?But if I can’t, i will keep my family down…. I know I should’t mumbleI shouldn’t complainFor if God’s there, He must have given me lots of things and graceBut still, I can’t face it, I need your helpPls help trasform me if needPls show me the way outShould I change to hang on?Or go to the way I am kinda shaped to be…. My uselessness hurts siudo badly…making her worry much for meBut if attitude can change instantly, the world can be different?can i? 

Ups and Downs…

On the very fifth day, I still feel uneasy and annoyed about my new life….quite kinda harsh in mind….

Not totally falling on the -ve, when talking to the smarty the amme, kinda frank and blunt to share and discuss everything even my wavy mind for come & go…I feel I kinda got back the mood to work as a team which I love to…

Further kinda working on the launch plan, though have no idea at all on the budgetary and executional stuff, i kinda feel something…’at leat meaningful’ when having 2-3 days of total emptiness….yes, hardly i can feel I can contribute in; and not sure what I can do.

Dislike all the husling ops. stuff for coordinating this or that, especially when I don’t feel and belive those are on the right track (why I always think I myself holding the only truth…?), I feel I can’t do the impactful thing, I wanna reach out more….

Bouncing bit a little while listening the brief from the big smile micro managing and bit workaholic bossy the biggy, ‘out of HK’ might be the only catchy phase I could get myself excited…yet, me should not be on the track to take care of them.

Must admit the the empty first two days should have made my brain less occupied with any sensible resistance of green-horn psycho hallow….but now on the very fifth day…I still can’t really get my feet and soul on any solid ground to move on…..

Thinking too big, reluctant to deal with the default…

While typing these shit, the other side of the boosy booth got two voice am trying to concentrate on for listening and recording…if my 6th sense and hearing is correct, me should be on the subject of discussion. If thats’ the case, I should have

– a relief if they just give me a fast shot I rather not, or in fact, not sure I wanna take

– a lesson about total frankness. Proud of myself as a franky the direct, friendly the honest, think twic again. Friend is hard to get and have in this big big world, ppl heart is always small small.

Low voices, muming talking with oddy laugh, typical defensive mechanism for emotion detour and political communication.

Anyway, thx very much God, if you were there, to kinda show me the promise of getting the needed and the wanted, in fact two wanted but kinda on the two polars. If times is right, lift me up towards the cozzy but untamed? But afterall, what can I do for my life, too much ups and downs, not really, but my mind is just so twisted…

While the other side further onto the silence, with voice bearly listenable by few words, I picked couple of words to fuel my wild imagination…too low, with something in mind…hahah, I really have to learn and remind myself to control my facial expression and aware more on my body language…too easy to tell and to be seen la boy…

Attitude can change….

Suppoosedly wanna type…’change everything’, but surely this is not valid….

Afterall, I got this phase when I was in Hut Hut fooling as a T.M. in reverse, on a very funny training day on presentation skill on a Sat moring in Point North with a bunch of Tamamt I personally invented during …..

“see…another perfect example of my auto lateral leapy thinking …without focus…)

But above all, I wanna say, I am very annoyed about what I am in now…

Chance granted, the very 3rd day, doing nothing but browsing the hype of itv stuff, under the shadow of realizing that I might be wrongly picked on a unmatched expectation. Why? Cause I have been on the track of doing something totally on a high but not operational level, and I realized that i might be keep reinfocing such mindset that I can only work on this type of stuff rather than battling with daily husle rusle…why?

Wanna have a stable job or life…..that’s pretty about routine…Raymond just im me….

Let’ go back to the fundamental first…

Why I am unhappy much?

Find out that lots of tideous stuff of m.c. related stuff which I am not used to or feel interested in

Second, green horn blues

Third, knowing that another mm got new initiative mandate, so meaning that I will need to tangle with the routine, routine the minor, routine the unbelived,

Fourth, there is always a better xxxx (already have, but not really sure, yes yes….)

Fifth, no experience and expectation to deal with the tasks….

Sixth, big wish small brain plus lazy bone.

So what should I do then…

Thx to God, but am still on the same old rock!

Thx God first (if ever He’s there, and watching over me and my fam), two choices given again.

 Yet, same old same old, never change, not sure what to chose..

The day today is the 2nd day I followed the stream of life to go, yet hardly I feel any comfort herein.

Bumpy stomach, by 0819 already under the unwanted but kinda blessed seat, having a hot meal, 0830 already rested on the rather shabby tinny….

My mind might be self-twisted, just seeing things not right, funny ppl, tough the biggy, unseen super., shit more was the even worse green green arrangement (should be the worse).  Also, the world is really a tinny place, bumping in with the ex-AD I happenend to ‘know’ when a bazarious engagement within questing with the Everguest side biz fisher. Glad that I should have turned fatty and hardly got recognized (but right at the moment the voice coming from the next thin low padtition….with kinda…funny tone)

Yes, I got the other blessed choice. Somehow might be really something I had prayed for (small, might-be meaningful role, yet small means unstable)

So, unchanged a bit, feelign so powerless to change, but look at mum, look at dad, look at dobo, I have to….

Can u change me God?

Gone with the wind

This is quite of another experience, now, at the very eve of my vanish, I am strangely quite of at peace, at least superfacially, when sorting out some of my ‘leftover’ herein.

I don’t know, whether there is a God that I might slightly come across or recognize, I really don’t know how to think on this notion, or rather not a notion, I am confused

 What do u want from me?

I might have choices, more choices than, well, ‘many’ of others, but still, the way I am walking on, or allow me to say, you are putting forward for me,if you are there, how am I supposed to work on the future…

Strangely, are you talking to me God? I just got the call, from the very ‘needed’, very strangely, straightforward ppl with well, beautiful direct, coming just a sec ago with another suprisingly straighforward arrangement…I don’t know, are You answering my pray? But…

 Yes yes, again, good and bad always exist in this mere parrallel universe (yes I like big buzz jargon…), but You know me, what am I good and what are my weakness? You think I got the cut? I don’t think so….

Hangign on hanging on, holding the deep breadth…moving inch my inch, just on my back there is another possible ‘miracle’, which You might help to sort out the inner deepest griveances haunting me in the past few months with just a simple meal…., might I be so stupid (but why being frank or naive or easily to trust) is stupid? If I really practice, not fully but also partly, on some of your ways teaching to move forward…i don’t know…, but do U think or do U want or will U arrange another path for me? I don’t know…

Simple life, yes, means nothing about stagnancy, but….what? If okay, empty more of me but never affect the unchangable mind or my loved around. The simply can’t take the call, understand the meaning. Pure am surely not but at least, I am still dump to belive in what I wanna wish to belive…

Mental Travel in Maldives??

Got a friend who is going to Maldives for her honeymoon, with some emails she indicated she is mentally diving in therein, suddenly refresh my mind to write this… 

Brightly sun shinning through the sharp blue sky.

Cloudless, tranquility coming along with soaring breeze kissing your skin softly.

Sweating, rush in the blood urging u to dive into the perfect blue mercury.

Wobbling, mystery downthere waving her hand seducing your soul to get fully soaked

A backflip, you are in, just you, with the very heavy base of your breathing sounds reminding you are still living in this esoteric blue.

Back to basics, waving arms and stepping your legs, you are building your private space inch by inch with surprise and begin to grasp that little piece of Zhen.

Here you are, the mother of Maldives is hugging you real……tight

Well well well, I think I am not really in Maldives, but actually in KK, Malay, for I had been there for diving once. Anyhow, good to me to get away from the reality, sinking myself back to the sea even jsut for 10mins in mind is enough for me to rest…I’ve gotta pull out from this mess soon real quick

你記唔記得煤氣個廣告?人與人之間既聯繫,全靠一點火……加一隻唔大唔細既手指

 

This morning my friend Fenbiepillow mailed me this, well, so cool.

 

Do you have that fire? And do u know, what’s that finger is all about?

 

Pretty sure the creators of this TVC, pretty much I am talking about the C.D. or this clip, should possibly have not that much if interpreation about the fire and the finger expressed in the TVC, just our own stupid mind touched with our own little sperate issues around our life to forcefull connecting that with our own saying…what da helll am saying….:(

 

Okay, I got my own ideas and feeling about this phase, that images

 

I have fire, do you?

I have expectation, but alway failed or got failed

Can I pass that fire to others, seem like not really works in many times

If yes, some little sparks might have got it grounds to grow before, but yet, fading fading, for am fading too…

 

suddenly, my fire to continue this thread also fades away, for I suddenly realize that I am just 無病呻吟 again….

 

but sick? do I have?